Samantha’s son Kyle was only 13 years old when he died thirteen years ago. She is also the proud mother of three other children, one of whom is an identical twin of Kyle. I have known Samantha since we grew up in the same town and attended school together. After graduation our paths diverged, as is the case with many young adults. We would only see each other in passing and I knew we had sons about the same age. If Kyle and Izzy were with us today, they would be in their late 20’s. Shortly after my loss, a friend suggested that I reach out to Samantha since her son also died by suicide. I then discovered she was sponsoring a support group at that time for those bereaved by suicide through a non-profit she had founded. I found her phone number on her organization’s website and sent her a text. She was immediately helpful in letting me know that I should not feel guilty and it was not my fault. Those comforting words via text were a lifeline for me. I remember thinking she was so brave to talk openly about her loss. She has always been a strong person, but now she is more of a force as she uses her outspokenness to advocate not only for herself but also for individuals like her who lost someone to suicide.

“I mean, there were other people fresh out of high school. I lost one of my dearest friends but his family doesn’t speak about it ever and they still don’t so there was also another friend and his family still doesn’t speak about it so… and right before my Kyle had died, the year before, a family member died by suicide–he was fresh out of high school. But they were not at all any type of support for me because nobody spoke about him, so I was truly alone. And even members within my own family weren’t talking about it so I had nowhere but then I started researching and trying to find out what type of therapist or counselors could I find who have this type of educational background-certifications specific to suicide but there was none in my area.”

The lack of support left her feeling alone as she dealt with the shock and horror of her loss. She felt socially excluded from familiar family circles and the stigma affected her everywhere we went.

“My children are all part of this school district so I am being mom, being a dad, because my husband left 3 months after my son died – he said it was too much for him, he couldn’t deal with it. So I’m doing Mom, Dad, jobs, dealing with the aftermath of human nature of the gossip… of the stigma, of everywhere I felt walking into grocery stores alone and I felt everyone’s looking at me like a bad mom, “that’s the kid’s mom who just [died by suicide]–what’s she doing out of her house?” kind of thing. Because I was treated that way, more times than I could count. There were friends who weren’t allowed to sleep at our house anymore. It was awful and I don’t think about that anymore. It’s OK… but then watching my children trying to grieve, you know?”

Kyle left behind a 15-year-old brother, a three-year-old sister, and a 13-year-old identical twin:

“He was 13, identical twins, which takes it on to a whole other level because now we have an identical twin left behind. Now the rest of us are all grieving the loss of Kyle, yet we have a physical being in front of us that is identical to Kyle. So you’re trying to process someone’s absence, yet he’s standing right in front of you. You know, I was hallucinating, I was…again trying to process.”

Samantha’s suffering was compounded even further when she quickly returned to work at the school district her son had attended. She worried about what her children would hear from classmates and school officials as they were also in the same school district.

“I went back to work four days after Kyle’s death … I had to send my kids back to school and there was no way I could send them back to school if I was staying at home. So I went back to work – that’s where you heard EVERYTHING. We’ve had teachers speaking about it inappropriately in the classroom. “Well I heard it was a gun” and “I heard that he changed his mind because….” So, were you there – that you knew he changed his mind??? I had …I just…at that point, there was immense frustration of not being able to find services, and also the frustration of the human nature component.”

Despite her circumstances, she was able to take a step back and reflect during this painful situation that impacted her and her children.

“I tried to give people the benefit that they don’t know any better…. try to also put myself in that situation and hope that I was never like that. And I really don’t think I was, you know? I definitely found myself in my lifetime in a gossip situation but definitely never when it came to any type of tragedy …and I was trying to process that if I’m hearing this – what are my kids hearing???? And ALL of that is what made me start to talk openly about it. Any question you ask me I will tell you and I started just openly sharing my… “day of events” is how I’ll put it of how Kyle died just with anyone who was willing to listen because I wanted them to know the truth. Was it so that my son didn’t die in vain? Or was it so that… I don’t know, I don’t even know the reasons…also just to shelter my boys from hearing any of that. So I thought if people heard it from me, they got it right from the horse’s mouth, they know what happened.”