Origin Story: A Study of Suicide Loss
The writings featured on this site are excerpts from a study conducted with the purpose to understand the experience of mothers who lost a child to suicide, in particular how they have learned to cope with their devastating loss. The study was focused on an adult learning theory called of transformative learning, which explores the process of change in an individual’s taken-for-granted worldview to make the worldview more inclusive. I had the pleasure of working with four unbelievably generous mothers on this study who opened their hearts, minds, and souls to me during the course of our interviews.
Although I was the researcher, I am also a fellow sister-in-loss as I too lost a child to suicide. I had no plans to artificially distance myself from the research, so I made my experiences and biases visible by incorporating an autoethnographic component to the study. Autoethnography is a research method that allows researchers to focus on their shared experiences with a group of people with the purpose of better understanding the group and themselves.
I have published and presented components of this study in various academic avenues (see About Me section for details). While these opportunities enabled me to share aspects of this important study, there are still valuable portions of each participant’s narrative as well as my own autoethnographic reflections, that will never be published in an academic journal article because of the space limitations and content restrictions. I have thus decided to create a space in the world for these heartfelt, emotional components of the study which typically are not available for public consumption because the raw truth of our narratives is a powerful force that has the potential to bring about positive change in the world.
The interviews conducted during the study were dialogic in nature. Being a sister-in-loss survivor allowed me to have a conversation with the participants about our respective losses. In some instances, we were able to make further meaning of aspects of our experiences during these conversational interviews. While transcribing each interview, I gleaned more insight about what I have learned and added my personal autoethnographic commentary to their stories to enhance the reader’s understanding of our collective experiences. The study participants also found these narratives and reflections to be valuable meaning making tools despite the fact that this was not their original intention. I have selected excerpts to share on this site for the Black and Blue Butterflies community in hopes that they may also resonate with you and perhaps serve as a companion on your healing journey.